Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
