Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
