If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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