Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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