I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
