Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
