just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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