dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
