Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
