Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
