I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
