I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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