After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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