You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
