maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
