My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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