i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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