Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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