Please, let me fuck your mom
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
