Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
its liver damage thursday
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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