Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
