In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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