we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
