overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
