bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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