youre lurking in front of me
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
My life is pants optional.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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