I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
