this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
