i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
