Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
It's rum buckets o'clock
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
