I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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