help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
