I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
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