she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
My bed is full of blood and feathers
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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