I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
my liver is dry heaving
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
