Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
