That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
