I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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