there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
