I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
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We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
how drunk are you?
Several
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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