why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Two words: nipple clamps
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