He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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