dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
