yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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