Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
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