I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
