I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
