Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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