too bad you live with your parents still
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
