My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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