I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
