They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
