i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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