His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I love you. Go after that dick
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
