I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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