i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Actions speak louder than pants.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
