i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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