your parents love me but you hate me
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
