A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
