Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
