if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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