She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
