i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
love makes seman taste better
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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