Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
