My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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